peace

rebelling with no cause
pain with no purpose
i thought this might help me
but it only hurts
jerks me back to reality
lets me know things arent really
what they seem
or are they
this was to be expected
i feel rejected
but
free
its true u cant handle me
pleased
u are the truth
sincerely
no hard feelings
wont be mad in the morning
probably wont say anythng
but hello
hey you
yea ill come thru
so we can do what we do
when we do it with passion
that and the weed is the only things lastin
your passin me by
like im on the far side of your mind
a little closer with this blunt
im like the pharcyde
and they sung
the realest rap
i model that
but you
you
its only strike one
but soon will come two
and what shall i do
i sure this is thru
but if only u knew
what i could do with
your mind
and in time u will find
what u seek
im glad i wasnt meek
im glad i gave our souls a chance to greet
and words cant speak that
but it was enough
lonely nights will be rough
but ill take this pen
and remember you then in the words
in the verbs and herbs
and then the smoke will clear
and you might not be here
but ill be fine
you gave enough to remember
not enough to miss
hours of bliss
and a kiss
to bless
me
with the taste of something better

Open Your Eyes: The Beginning

Look around you
history is being made
our peers are
now the people
we look up to
soon
we will only be able to blame ourselves
for the misfortunes we face
our generation is taking its place
at the head of the class
look around you
the revolution is here
it is being televised
it is radio broadcast
journalistically represented
dont pretend for a minute
you cant see the changes happening
cant see the the seeds their planting
i mean
look around
the world is ending
as we know it
wars with no cause
the president is blowing it
natural disasters
and their showing us
that
there are some of us
that arent fit for life
and some of us
get relief the very next night
its time to open our eyes
its time
to look around
the change is here
we've been
waiting for others
since the other brothers left us

BLAH

i really cant take this
feeling like this
this
is
a longing gone
a wanting missing
a love hiding
we are riding on a roller coaster
im doubled over
stop this trip
cant take this shit
really
we tried
said hi good bye hi and hi got high made ties
we laid
then you lied i cried i spied you lied i cried some more
and more and more
i was smokin cigarettes at night
fight you pick after fight after fight
and the love had risen
but now its died
after all the tears i cried
that shit hides from you
dont know what to do when u touch me
it couldnt possibly be that you love me
cuz of the shit u say
when its not a good day for us

Testing One Two

love is a blessing
but we end up testing
ourselves too much
to touch
someone
we got a
feeling for
there are butterflies you can’t ignore
but we head toward the door
thinking that
we need more
or were just unsure
we believe that
fate preordains us
so we have
no faith in our passions
but regardless what happens
these things
certainly
make life
worth living

Road Signs: TBC

ok
i really need to start
taking heed to these signs
in my road
cuz i try to act like im so slow
but i know
and if u knew me
u know that
but i pretend to be blind
pretend to not be able to find the way
so i dont have to say no
dont have to pay
the toll
but my mind is taxing my heart now
for the ways that i wouldnt go
for the love i should have shown
and didnt
but instead
left behind the opaque walls
i call home
where no love grows
where we live life to leave it
and not love it

Lost N Found: The Beginning

ive been lost
and finding myself
thinking back
on once forgotten memories
of men who never loved me
of men whom i never loved
of possessions that i will never again possess
cuz im lost
and ive been finding myself
searching for a way
to get back
all the things
i shouldnt have given away
and to give back
all the things i shouldnt have taken
this world has me shaken
that i may never find my path
but i hope the past reveals
where i should be going
im lost
and lately
ive been finding myself
recounting every step
ive taken
find out where i was mistaken
cuz the stakes are high now
and im on low ground
smile upside down
and its like
wow!
how did i get here?
and how do i get there?
alli can do is stare
at the distance before me
and it seems easy
but believe me
mountains all around thee
and then theres the sea
gotta work to leave
this island
cuz im dying out here alone
im lost
and i have been finding myself
latching on to everyone ive got left
with them i am blessed
to have people
who stick around
even though they may
not truly understand
but understand
that the beauty in me
is not being able
to understand some things
and thats ok
ive found myself
reveling over the people
that can stand me

Decisions

Decisions
my indecisiveness is making a mess
need to choose to go right or left
but i stay stagnant
hoping a middle road will appear
what are my fears
of a freedom of choice.
i have a voice
yet i seem afraid to use it
will i lose it
i just cant figure it out
these decisions
stressin me
testin me
if i choose the wrong one
will it make me or break me
and the real question is
does happiness lie at the end of that road
or will it leave me lost and alone
i dont know
so id just rather not go
try to peek in the past
find a loophole
figure out the untold
and maybe this toll
will be easier on my soul
but i dont know
decisions
i dismiss them
sit on fences
try to play fair
maybe i dont care
but thats rare
my emotions just dont share
what im really feeling
sometimes
but sometimes
the fire is lit
i wont sit
i wont break
i wont bend
till i give my opinion
and sometimes
i wont even want
to acknowledge my presence
and in these actions theres no lesson
but theres no question
so theres no answer to be had
and foolishly it makes me glad
that i didnt have to think
and my mind
is the most terrible thing to waste
decisions
we all have to make them
somehow we must choose then
and never look back again
but how can i
if im not even really sure
i spend countless hours
staring at the floor
searching for the pattern
that will make this choice
a pure stroke of genius in my life
no strife
but even then
who knows?
decisions
my indecisiveness is making a mess of things
my bipolar road from ambivalence to passion
is unnerving
and its not serving
anyone
to straddle this fuzzy line
and not pick a side
and as i strive to find a reason why
i should follow behind either of these guides
my research leaves more questions in my mind
more answers to find
more reasons to decline
making this choice
or using my voice...
and if the answers in me
then why cant i see
why do i let life pass by
decide not to decide
play hide and seek
duck and dodge
its odd
decisons
must be made
there is some chance
good fortunes in my fate
and the way i equate
the longer i wait
to stand on one side of the line
my minds time
in certainty is certainly
going to drift away

Time For a Change

time for a change...

its about that time
for a change
cuz this same ol shit
got me goin insane
got my body feelin weak
my mind feelin meek
my lips unable to speak
who knew itd get this deep
but its about that that time
for this to change
and in my world
you were the truth
but apparently
my heart cant take this ruthless banter
got me caught up in a rapture
riding roller coasters
over and over
and its about time that changed.
if not with you
then without
i have my doubts
of living past you
and i keep trying not to let my insecurities show thru
but i fail everytime i let u back in
like i cant deal without this sin
like i cant feel if ur not the him
in
i love him
but u win
cuz im still not numb to the pain
still know there is nothing to gain
going back
but i do
and its time for that to change
cant keep up these childish games with you
cant take the hurt
not knowing
who is who
cuz sometimes the person who loves me
is you
but sometimes you are the person i cant wait to lose
because im lost in this maze of ur mind
and dont take me unkind
but ive tried
and tried
dusted myself off time after time
just like all the while im screaming americas mine
and it keeps leaving me behind
u make me have to find the reasons
i ever loved this bind
why i wasted my dime
if ur love wasnt mine
u couldnt even take the time
to say 3 simple words
and it hurts
so
its time for this to change
cuz these games
are drving me insane
and im worth more than toy boy
but u treat me the same

The Wrong Questions Existing

wishin money grew on trees
cuz u said if i had some ud want me
but im wondering when a love like that will ever be real
and if i must feel like this
then id rather miss you
than be be faced with fake kisses
and whispered i love yous
and who am i?
to turn down love.
as tho it flows freely.
who am i
to be picky?
but at the same time
who are u
to make me feel like i am anything
less
than a blessing
and i think i am...
but i used to know
and who are you
to cause me to question myself
and what was i thinking?
to make believe
and play this role
knowing every second the toll itd take
on my being
and who am i
to believe that i had enough to give more than all of me
when i couldnt even be happy
with you
when i did
and who are you
to behave as though i gave you anything
that niggas wouldnt beg for
get down and their knees
and pray to god for
a spirit like mine to even be in their lives
let alone want their time
they dream of a love like mine.
and who am i
to forget that
who am i to let who you are
make my life so hard
time and time again
and who are you to declare me as anything but a star
cuz i shined my light on you
and u said loved me too...
but who am i
to be loved by you
im missing out on something
but ill never have a clue
and ill always wonder who
you are...
but i understand
just who i am
and these hands
are made to hold
and these cheeks
are for smiles
these lips are to kiss
this love
a security blanket to miss
and who are you
to call me useless
when i got all this
but who am i
to determine
what love is to you
all i know
is:
if god intended for my love to be measured by
what i have in my pockets
rather than
what im doing
when i take my pants off
then money wouldnt be the root of all evil
and forgive the underlying innuendo
im not talking about sex lol

A Funny Kinda Happy

mysterious...
me?
no im an open book
though there may not be much for you to look at
but im deep
what is what?
i bet u know nothing of such things
so does that make me a queen?
i bet not
so
i better stop
me...
marvelous me
useless all the time
but still u want me
from my beaten path i wont leave
no matter how many roadblocks
cuz no matter what it seems
i do this all for me
i hurt to hurt no more
there is pleasure at my pains core
always a triumph when my hearts sore
from a different reason than the last
cuz my intuition blessed me far before
id ever known why
every story is a lesson
i expect the truth and nothing less than
though i may not spin it in return
but ive learned the we can never handle the truth
and i am my own proof
that this is true
but it doesnt change
that id rather hurt
than play games
know im ugly
than be famed for pretty girl that no one really thinks is really pretty anyway
and we all know what they say about beauty
so i behold that which i feel
and i feel with my heart
and my heart is golden
in its purest state
i make all the mistakes
but im human
and god's creations can't be ruined
by errs in judgement
but by refusing to forgive
and then forget
and i have my regrets
but that doesnt upset the beauty i possess.
im blessed
above all things
and at times i must confess
i forget this
but i say this
to say
my mind is a puzzle
that even i cant figure out
so just cuz u cant figure what im about
from the surface at which u peek
and i wont let u get in deep
dont call my quiet
meek
i try to choose carefully the words i speak
but perfection isnt my direction
and money is no close second
see i know
that we live to live no more
and happiness at its core
lies in doing what ever
happens
to make you smile
and im smiling
so why dont you smile with me?

Mind Reader

couldnt even tell you not to stop
before you kept going
see i tried being coy
but i was starting to annoy
myself.
i gave in
every whim
me and him
we commit sin
these lips
in a permanent grin
the morning after

see the smoke cleared
we bypassed each other
for two years
after those words had spontaneously combusted
see we spoke this into existence
left it an incomplete sentence
dot dot dot
and a friend request later
you happened to make it on my list of things to do

and i know its wrong to want you
let alone this rendezvous
im reluctant to even dream you
as if the choice were mine

and this isnt the first time
the first time monica mosied onto the scene
in my multiple personality cast
of lies and scheme
not the first time
steam came from the green
and im not talkin bout pesos
not the monster but what he grows
kneegrows nose grows
call me pinocchio
with the tangled web i weave

and nicole dont feel dirty
not a river cried from me
cuz after years of use and abuse
this sweet plymouth rock just landed on thee
like he handed it to me
said do what u please
and i am

cuz i couldnt even tell him not to stop
before he kept going
and u can call it ho-ing
but im young
and im bomb
but the nanas better
and he knows it
and he shows it

i dare not trip
cuz we were chosen
our souls hand picked from
a brothel where this ho found a husband
when they were crushin
steam came from the green
the C.R.E.A.M.
and the heat
well it came to me
my knees got weak
my octave peaked
my heart didnt beat

and i couldnt even tell you not to stop before you kept goin
and im jonesin

Home is Where the Heart Is?

home is where the heart is
and mine was finished b4 it started
now were just walking around pretending
to be family
society it tells me
blood is thicker
but i see mine in the same light as wine
a spirit for the times
but home is where the heart is
how about on my sleeve
the most comforting place
it probably can be
id rather live here in this vulnerability
but still shut you out so u cant see
that home is where the heart is
and i dont know where my heart is
so am i anywhere at all?
even though i feel this everyday
still my heart falls
faith only fails
the truth never comes to light
and i lie wake at night
cuz this path still doesnt seem right
they say home is where the heart is
but i dont know where home is
so imagine how my heart feels
that in places where
love is supposed to reside
its just as though i stand outside
peeking through the window
wondering where i should go
if this isnt the place for me.
and if home is where the heart is
and they say to follow your heart
i should at least know where to start
but im in an endless purgatory
like im never really where im supposed to be
and it really breaks my heart
that if that is where home is
ill never be part.

Have A Nice Weekend Baby!

I have finally had a good weekend...
not so good
that i wanted it to last longer
but good in the senseof filling...
but not filling enough to be full
just filling enough to satisfy me
but not saturate me.
im not left wanting
just left
and for once not missing
but not detesting your future presence
this time was a good time
leaving pleasant tastes in our mouths
not bitter confusions of words once said
we stretched good memories
over this love
good enough to last
so until we meet again...
thanks for a great weekend

For Mrs. Driver

She greets me:
as salaam alaikum...
They say when she left
the soprano chair was left empty
On a search for herself
she came back
Rabbiah Al-Haneef...
She found the mosque
and made her pilgrimage
never knowing how we yearned for her at Christmas
And us never knowing how she yearned for us on Sundays
and we all never expressed
how we missed her soprano.
It seemed some Sundays
birds sang on Carol's piano
after she prayed to the east
her silence would bless the cathedral
and never knowing
a mothers pain from a daughters change
i continuously begged for permission
to sit with her in the back pew
though I knowing her garb wasnt normal
my grandmother knew
Sneaking a lemon drop in my hand
i would shut up.
then
my age never permit me to understand
what i do now
but our lives changed
when she left
A certain emptiness in my mother
that never forgives a man for kidnapping
her sister.
The mecca is not the promised land
Heaven used to be 10 blocks away
a village used to raise me
i used to be able to wear shoes
and exchange gifts in your home
and then we would only drive by to say hello
and then one last time to say goodbye.
And while he screamed Rabbiah into the heavens
Asking allah why
showing the world his pain
we cried Sandy in our hearts..
our village huddled around whispering
trying to hold one another up.
Why was she the last one left
people say
she died trying to wrap herself in the garment
that kept her in the back of the church...
Her modesty weighed heavier than her sense of survival
and my mother cried
and the men tried to blame someone
for this tradgedy
and to this day
no one speaks of
Watts Towers
No one speaks of the memories made
We just go through life
like none of it ever happened
But you can tell...
When she left
the village stopped raising its children
and mourned
and discussed round table
in rooms where the windows and doors stayed open.
And my tears didnt fall then
but on the fourth of every april
since the fourth day after christmas
that year
i catch a stare in my mother eyes
that lets me know all is not forgotten
and my eyes fill up.
"you look more like her everyday you know
even david says it"
and a tear falls
and i breathe to the wind
walaikum as salaam

Unfinished Business 3

i ache for words to begin to define my mind..but when i look i am blind so shook..dictionary open book pages blank...singular words can only describe me..put them together your left with she... she....she....but not followed by anything..with one step you can see...an abyss...deep, i can be but what step will have you falling...you can look but your blind so shook so you shake fight or flee so you leave..never taking the chance to know me...so i ache for words to define goodbye...and i try but im stuck...what the fuck. Articulation is necessary and was once so easy searching for the vice thats crippling..and i know...its you and its her and its them and its it....and this shit...this shit blows...for the birds so i flip one but im alone.

Mind Race

Feeling alittle more stressd than usual today
But without reason
maybe my brain finally caught up with me
since ive been dilluting its power
never sober
today it bursts
full force into my immediate thought flow
what used to be
useless brain chatter
diffuses itself with meaningful subject matter
and its bugging
that i havent myself decided which precides
other than the obvious
than this thread that is ominous
dont know what side
it sits on a fence
but sometimes im in bliss
and then i bitch
got my priorities mixed
before bills it is this
faced with books i am spent
dirty looks i dispense
daring negativity to commence to destroying it
yet i miss
and deteriorate in lieu of my wish
now this broken winged bird that cannot fly
is i
stuck but i cant cry
cant crack
all of these worries
i missed my chance
had plans
but then I danced the night away
preparing not for the next day
but to make my heart stay
promises made
and i cant break
cant crack
keep going back
got my mind feelin strapped
straight jacket
padded room
mental institution my minds in you
so not free
but wants to be trapped
till the bug bites back
so im feeling a lil more stressed than usual today
cuz where my mind aches to stay
its not okay that way
losing ground and i say
i cant cry
cant crack
cant break
cant back up
so im stuck stand still
while life catches up wit my mind.

Stop Signs

im always scared to begin
cuz i know after that it never will end
the laziness hides my perfectionist
procrastination teaches no lesson
organization is overwhelming
tell me how i deal with these things
me being responsible could easily lead to me being anal
and thats not how i condone living
and let me not understate this fear
my being responsible will definitely lead to my being anal
and due to me knowing this
id rather smoke this blunt
and i know you dont feel me
many think im unaware
that i dont look in the mirror
before i look out the window
take my brain for a day
and you might just get hit by a car
because it never ends
and you wont even want to start looking
so you'll just go
sometimes
u just wanna close your eyes
and you do
wondering why its so hard
to just let your thoughts play
and you realize
its because they never com back
so you just stop starting
and smoke this blunt
and sleep peacefully
cuz it never ends

Short Sweet and About me

nice nicole

not really too negative

nonchalant almost to a fault

indifferent to life

but love to live

open my eyes to the sun.

Unfinished Business 2

ts been moments
mere minutes make this different
abrupt
more like seconds
seconds seperate me from what used to be
rapid
adrenaline surged
passion
like magic
pop!
no pressure just ur presence
and that passion played out
high times
low tide
phases like lunar cycles
its a new moon
one were not used to
lost without you
and ur gone
outta sight
in mind
anticipating debating awaiting the days

One Day

maybe one day

maybe one day I'll find a love for me

maybe one day

from me to hopefully you

hopefully from you to me

maybe one day

but not today

today full of disappointment

theres no love for me today

my chair is missing a leg

cant sit

maybe one day though

my feet'll stop pacin

but rest wont come easy

not today

today rest wont come at all

today im tired cus your running through my mind

not running into me

today i am alone

one one side of my love

praying please!

please give me peace

or a piece of your heart

and no

not today

today i try to crawl into places my mind didnt fill with thought of you

and maybe one day

we'll run in our thoughts of each other

but not today

today my damndest effort involves

trying to occupy my mind

trying to pacify my heart

trying to keep ideas afloat

trying to see one day

but not today

trying to escape today

erase this pain

fuck these memories

only hurting today

but maybe one day

love will love me

cuz today

i love alone

but i love always

and maybe one day

that always love

wont turn its back on me

just not today.

Perception is everything!

in the cage of shallow insecurities

you have me

stuck without a way out

no doubt

i give all my love and

my love cannot give me back to me

but im not really missing anything

here i am

in place of former faces

see me

come closer love and face this

come over now

collect the prize

u won my heart now

recognize.

this bitch here...

i shed tears, shared fears, opened ears, replaced years, and im merely a smear..

daily toke, watch u smoke, random jokes, poke poke poke and no

no im no lil h-o

no not the lil ho-mie...

not here to take shit,

here to be it.

b said it best

but im not one to test the feelings u say im blessed to have felt about me...

im not your everything

but i sure wouldnt wanna be nothing

and dont get me wrong im your angel...

according to you

but at least if the actions ensued

more obliged id be to forget the feud..

forget the fire bring the desire

acquire the sweeter side of getting higher

higher and higher

off ya presence

id call u sire if the weed had me that wired

but im required to keep it on level ground now.

settle down now

i can be down

but ur never ready

heart beats steady but not for me

face lights up but its not me u see

i know lusts not only there cuz i am

or is it?

or was it?

or were we ever really we?

or was it just u and me

or you

not me

im not pleased.

help please.

Unfinished Business

tbc

silent tears... not overly sad not in pain but hurt...don't feel em coming till they spill over the brims of my eyelids...and no one will ever feel them but me... piece by piece my heart drops to the bottom of my chest.. bye peace bye...sleep wont come easy..i smile as inside there is turmoil, a storm that won't die. standing on that line... to fall or not to fall knowing if i fall i must leave and to not fall i must leave and if leaving is the only path then how i will leave must be the key how do i want to leave my mark on you...or rather how i want the mark to be made on me...and it stands i must leave