just thinking

i love him
but i cant help
but to think of
how different
my life would be
if you were here
and sometimes
these feelings
shame me
but im not wrong
to feel them

they say absence
makes the heart
grow fonder
but im not sure
if my heart
is more fond of you
than curious
of who you are
and naturally
you are me
but maybe my nurture
made me into he

see, i love him
but i cant help
but to wonder
about the unknown
even though
i feel my time is wasted
thinking about a place
that never really has been
or can be
its like
im clinging to a memory
ive never even seen
but the time was like air
i know it was there

sometimes i feel
out of place
like my thoughts
don't match my face
or like my
mind will always race
thinking of where
he ends and you begin
or where you ended
and he began
you must have shaped me somehow
but it hurts
because that
doesnt really matter now
but im losing sleep
regretting
how i neglected
to really get to know you
in lieu of your presence

and i owe it to you
to keep this memory alive
i cannot deny
that i am not who i am
without you
and if i truly know myself
thats where ill find you
and the the truth is
i wish
i could remember
your kiss on my forehead
and with that said
goodnight