back in the day

*to love we thought we lost but never found in the first place*

i realize now
when i look back then
when im thinking past tense
that u werent to blame
for my foolish insecurities
or the demons that plagued me
cuz we was young
and you knew that

but thats when
i lost control of my surroundings
had my hands in every pot
other than the ones they needed to be
and when the kitchen started getting hot
i thought i could handle the heat
but instead it handled me
and handed me
a check my ass couldnt cash

see i thought i was ready
to love unconditionally
but i couldnt even love me
enuff to see past he
i kept begging him please
id lead the horse to water
but he refused to take a drink
and Hed lead me to some knowledge
but couldnt make me think
i was on the brink of insanity
trying failed ways twice
and no one could make me see

and i
i swore i was fiercely independent
but i couldnt stand alone
i couldnt face the facts
i wouldnt let it go
so it let go of me
and for years of my life
i blamed it on he
like he lied to me
he cheated on me
he played me
he made me
into this bitch you see
he made me crazy
he made my heart bleed
but it was really she
the scared little girl
afraid that without a man she'd be incomplete
so she used to her pussy
to try and attach to his energy
tried to use moans
and turn them into lover's speak
gave all of herself
and didnt expect anymore from he
those silly daydreams
turned to nightmares she couldnt believe
because he
didnt love her
the way that she pleased

now
im just reflecting
lost a few friends
maybe gained a few enemies
and i finally see
that the faults i keep
are a result of
not wanting to take responsibility
for me
cuz finding a scapegoat is easy to achieve
and sometimes its hard to believe
that we dig our own graves
years before we go lay down in them
see then
i prided myself on being jaded
couldnt imagine that my getting shaded
was a product of my own design
and somewhere
between that time
and this line
ive realized my worst enemy is I
and i need to look in the sky for love
instead of some guy.

so i write this letter
hoping it finds you well
i just wanted
to tell you that none of your actions
were ever an excuse for mine
and I hope in time
if I see you on the street
we speak
cuz they say dont ever regret
anything that once made you smile
and I've travelled miles
surely a distance enough
to know
that all that shit in the past
dont matter today
and I only wanted to say
that i hope you are happy.