back in the day

*to love we thought we lost but never found in the first place*

i realize now
when i look back then
when im thinking past tense
that u werent to blame
for my foolish insecurities
or the demons that plagued me
cuz we was young
and you knew that

but thats when
i lost control of my surroundings
had my hands in every pot
other than the ones they needed to be
and when the kitchen started getting hot
i thought i could handle the heat
but instead it handled me
and handed me
a check my ass couldnt cash

see i thought i was ready
to love unconditionally
but i couldnt even love me
enuff to see past he
i kept begging him please
id lead the horse to water
but he refused to take a drink
and Hed lead me to some knowledge
but couldnt make me think
i was on the brink of insanity
trying failed ways twice
and no one could make me see

and i
i swore i was fiercely independent
but i couldnt stand alone
i couldnt face the facts
i wouldnt let it go
so it let go of me
and for years of my life
i blamed it on he
like he lied to me
he cheated on me
he played me
he made me
into this bitch you see
he made me crazy
he made my heart bleed
but it was really she
the scared little girl
afraid that without a man she'd be incomplete
so she used to her pussy
to try and attach to his energy
tried to use moans
and turn them into lover's speak
gave all of herself
and didnt expect anymore from he
those silly daydreams
turned to nightmares she couldnt believe
because he
didnt love her
the way that she pleased

now
im just reflecting
lost a few friends
maybe gained a few enemies
and i finally see
that the faults i keep
are a result of
not wanting to take responsibility
for me
cuz finding a scapegoat is easy to achieve
and sometimes its hard to believe
that we dig our own graves
years before we go lay down in them
see then
i prided myself on being jaded
couldnt imagine that my getting shaded
was a product of my own design
and somewhere
between that time
and this line
ive realized my worst enemy is I
and i need to look in the sky for love
instead of some guy.

so i write this letter
hoping it finds you well
i just wanted
to tell you that none of your actions
were ever an excuse for mine
and I hope in time
if I see you on the street
we speak
cuz they say dont ever regret
anything that once made you smile
and I've travelled miles
surely a distance enough
to know
that all that shit in the past
dont matter today
and I only wanted to say
that i hope you are happy.

Sonnet XVII

*I Havent been very creative this week...nor have I had access to my past creative process. This is a beautiful piece, that a friend introduced to me, and I have now grown to love.*

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

Pablo Neruda

1 Corinthians 13

*Obviously, I did not write this. However it did resonate with me, and beautifully expresses my belief that love is infinite. *

1If I speak in the tongues^[a] of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames,^[b] but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

in lieu of our victory

were taking one step forward
then two steps back
our president is black
but their taking back
our free right to marry who we choose
how did we again lose sight of the plan?
equality for every man
i mean its great
he looks like me
but he's commander in chief
its a great accomplishment we have achieved
but then its greeted with intolerance
please!!!
and whats worse....
they depended on our vote
to gain their victory
with closed minds and no hearts
their trying to tear us apart
were supposed to come together now
but all i can think of is how
my ancestors werent even whole people
as women we still arent equal
and how they tell us it doesnt matter who lives in our houses
but its up to them to determine the sex of our spouses
what happened to the road less travelled
we've been down this one
so im truly baffled
i mean u might as well burn a cross on my lawn
if ignorance and hate will never be gone
it makes me think we're all just pretending
to accept one another regardless of differences
if we cant even step out side ourselves
to forget this arbitrary rule
and u cry
"no they'll teach it in schools"
"and the church has rules"
and you all are fools
if think God's plan
is to alienate your fellow man
based on his sexual preferences
when the real issue is
that your too scared of society
to be human
and make mistakes
and grant others grace
so instead you form your lynch mobs
in disguise as political leaders
make up stories about teachers
and scare people into believing
that freedom isnt for all...
its apalling.