just thinking

i love him
but i cant help
but to think of
how different
my life would be
if you were here
and sometimes
these feelings
shame me
but im not wrong
to feel them

they say absence
makes the heart
grow fonder
but im not sure
if my heart
is more fond of you
than curious
of who you are
and naturally
you are me
but maybe my nurture
made me into he

see, i love him
but i cant help
but to wonder
about the unknown
even though
i feel my time is wasted
thinking about a place
that never really has been
or can be
its like
im clinging to a memory
ive never even seen
but the time was like air
i know it was there

sometimes i feel
out of place
like my thoughts
don't match my face
or like my
mind will always race
thinking of where
he ends and you begin
or where you ended
and he began
you must have shaped me somehow
but it hurts
because that
doesnt really matter now
but im losing sleep
regretting
how i neglected
to really get to know you
in lieu of your presence

and i owe it to you
to keep this memory alive
i cannot deny
that i am not who i am
without you
and if i truly know myself
thats where ill find you
and the the truth is
i wish
i could remember
your kiss on my forehead
and with that said
goodnight

my soliloquy

"to be or not to be"

i said it was time to take flight.
but i couldnt sneak away like a thief in the night
couldnt just let you go without a fight
i may be right
and it could be time
i may be yours
and you could be mine
and maybe not
but thats fine
spoken words
draw feelings deeper
having us
question what
we thought we knew about each other
we wonder why we bother
we must be fans of torture
if i were to ask my father
he'd tell me go no further
but my fervor
would only in turn
increase
and the least
i could do
is love you less
treat you bad
give you stress
but
we
arent cut from that cloth
and id rather be lost
than found with out you
where we'll end up
only heaven has a clue
and we've proved
that time
has no factor
so when we open the next chapter
our lives will change after
connected by
constant laughter
simple chit chatter
deep talks
punch drunk
no beer in the batter
will it matter
that our bodies
can no longer be entwined
will it be that your eyes close
as i open mine
will our love lose that
famous neruda line
will the wind in our hearts
stop making the trinkets chime
our journey stop making that endless climb
to where
the past won't share
but with our souls bare
we chance bearing the weight of despair
if that path leads nowhere.
but im trying not to go there
im trying to be fair
im trying to share
my happy feelings
not the part of me reeling
about what this could do
to my being
glass half full
but the water is steaming
and the dreaming
may not become reality
but this duality
is never fleeting
i've given you my love for the keeping
and i hope that steeping in you
will strengthen our brew
because where we'll wind up
cuz only heaven has a clue
but you and I
our tie is timeless